The blinking cursor urges me to write. Its constant beat pushes me to make sense of something. Writing can come easy at times, but on days like today, it’s as hard as putting a tape back into it’s cassette. It’s not because there isn’t anything to say- quite the opposite. My thoughts swirl around in my head in an endless stream of consciousness.
my twins turn 22 today-they aren’t together for their birthday- I hope they are having a good day- I feel like driving to get a new Christmas concoction from Dutch Bros.- the walls in my office are so white- why don’t I make it cozier in here- my beagle is moving her feet in her sleep- I should take her for a walk- why are some cars so loud when they drive by my house- I wonder if it’s cold outside…
The thoughts keep tumbling upon each other in a way that defines landing on one as a story. Save that for my day job as a tech analyst. Ideas and solutions are categorized ad nauseam into waves, quadrants or other confining, imaginary containers. It’s absurd really, in this fluid world filled with movement at all times.
Maybe the reason that processes fail, systems fail, PEOPLE fail is that we are trying to hard to build our own cages. I’m tired of wearing someone else’s script. In that light, today’s mind purge serves a purpose. It is here to remind me that my mind murmurs and unspoken narratives are mere vision fragments. They do not need connection, just space.
Space.
The thing that we all crave but feel incredibly uncomfortable when we have it.
Time.
Never enough according to every busy person I come across.
The whole notion better expressed through prose:
The Soft Collapse of Certainty
We try too hard to name every feeling, to sort every moment into a drawer that closes. Not appreciating all the things popping out at the edges.
We build frameworks to hold what refuses to be held. We chase clarity as if mystery were a flaw.
But some truths arrive without shape. Some stories refuse to end on cue.
There is beauty in the unfinished sentence, in the pause before the answer, in the space where knowing is not the goal.
Let the questions breathe.
Let the edges blur.
Let the compartments collapse into something softer.
I was driving to my writing group today, wondering what I would write about. You see, I spend most of my waking hours researching and writing technical articles and reports for work. But my true love remains writing my thoughts. When I started this back in 2009, I was afraid to put them out into the world. The COLD. CRUEL. WORLD.
Little did I know that readers, both friendly and anonymous, would shape the way I see things and my self confidence. Today, all these years later, I am comfortable being myself. I’m comfortable sharing my inner thoughts. Now, I don’t just have a hazy memory of what I thought about or felt years ago. I have this amazing bank of content I can go back to and re-read any time I choose to.
But back to the present- so, as I was driving, NPR shared a story about the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Have you seen it? I’ve watched it many times over the years and even have a copy on DVD. It’s such a funny, spicy, even sad story. It quickly reminded me that we’re entering the month of October. A month where witches, ghouls and ghosts are welcome. It strikes me that I’m no longer a mom of littles who look forward to Halloween and trick-or-treating. I’m a mom of grown people. This leaves me room to ponder my own ghosts of past lives.
My ghosts are not friendly, like Casper. They are sad, sometimes scary, visions that remind me of times I could have made better choices. They are the memories of people I’ve let hurt me, people I put too much trust in, people who don’t deserve any place in my life. So they swirl in the background, sometimes popping out just when I think life is too good to be true.
I’ve given mind-space to my ghosts for long enough. Now, I choose to focus on the people who have built me up over the years, not to those who tore me down. I choose to give time to the people who give love and support freely. It’s no longer about facing past ghosts, it’s about diminishing the role I have allowed them to play in my mind for far too long.
Ghosts be gone!
How about you? Any “ghosts” lingering in your past that you need to banish? I’d love to hear about them in the comments. After all, it’s just life here and we’re all here to learn and grow.
*For those who are interested in a writing group near you, check out Shut Up and Write!
In Fall of 2022 I became an empty nester. If you’re like me, you are so busy with work and all the activities your kids are into that you don’t notice when the raising kids in your home part is coming to a close.
I only have two children, my twins, so for me it was a double whammy. They were incredibly involved in athletics and academics, so I had plenty to do supporting them every night after work. I was either watching them at a practice for a sport, cheering them on at a game, attending a banquet, helping with homework, or hosting a houseful of teenagers. I’ve been everything from a cheerleading coach to the baseball Team Mom. But, before I knew it, graduation rolled around and they both went off to college out-of-state.
Then silence.
It was absolutely deafening in my home. The rooms that were once bustling with activity and bursting with laughter were eerily quiet. I found myself wandering aimlessly around the house. I typically work from home so any time I took a break I’d find myself in one of their rooms reminiscing. I’d run my fingers over various photos and trophies. I’d relive those moments in my mind. It didn’t help though because I missed their energy. The energy of life and purpose.
Then the tears came.
Now, I’m not someone that typically cries but this snuck up on me. I was in the soup aisle of the grocery store when it hit me that I will never buy groceries for a houseful of kids again. I didn’t need to pick up my daughter’s favorite soup because she wasn’t there to eat it. And while I am so happy they went away to school to experience the world, I was so focused on them that I didn’t think about who I am and what I need.
This brings me back to you, dear reader. I want to share my experience because when I went looking there were only a few books or resources available to address the feeling of loneliness. I’ve learned that whether you are in a couple or not, parents often feel immense loneliness when their children move out of the home. It is silent suffering. So let’s share some of the things you can do to find yourself and get through the initial months apart. After all, it’s just life here.
Read about Loneliness and Belonging– There are several great books out there that tackle the topic and here are two of my favorites. Neither is specifically about “empty nesting” but both address the humanness of being lonely and longing to belong again.
Alone Together by Sherry Turkle. Both a book and an amazing Tedx talk, it’s one I come back to again and again. She is a sociologist, psychologist and MIT professor. She is also the author of many other great books.
Enroll in Self-Care & Development- Sometimes you need to find yourself after kids leave home. Sometimes you need to reset your way of thinking so you can find who you are meant to be in this new phase of life. There are many companies out there that help and here are two of my favorite (not paid promotion, honest recommendations).
ELX– A self described “transformative movement that empowers women to master their energy and elevate their impact. One of the co-founders, Ellen, is a life-long friend of mine. They speak the truth and empower you to make meaningful choices.
Sarah-Mann.com– Sarah is an executive coach like no other. She’s a straight shooter who will teach you with empathy and understanding.
Take Up a New Hobby– I realized that all the things I did as hobbies were for my family. I love to cook, to bake, to play board games. However those things were drastically different when I was on my own. I decided to take up watercolor painting as a hobby. It was something I had never tried, other than when I was a child. I began by creating my own learning plan for the art. I identified online videos and classes. I bought books. Then, I practiced.
I make sure to paint every morning without fail. Some days it is just working with color to see how it moves with the water on the paper. Some days it is painting something identifiable. Either way, it gave me something to learn and now, to look forward to. I have been painting daily for five months now and I love it. I see myself improving and as my skill increases, I am able to buy supplies and tools to support my new love.
Those are a few to get your started. In addition, consider the following as you find your next chapter.
Open Up to a Friend
Join a Club
Seek Therapy
Travel and Explore
Start a Blog or Journal
Connect with Your Teen
Send Care Packages
Rely on your belief system- get more involved
If you’ve already gone through this, what worked for you? I would love to hear how each of you are dealing with this part of life’s journey. We’re all in this together! #allinthistogether #ItsJustLifeHere #emptynest #college #loneliness #belonging #selfhelp
A little travel, a little tech, a splash of watercolor—and probably snacks. 